I normally keep things pretty light on this blog. It’s more of an account of general things and a highlight of the best times. Because let’s face it, when we do anything online, we’re showing the world the goods things, even if things aren’t always bright and shiny. I will say that most of my bright and shiny stuff is completely legit. On a regular basis, I’ve been blessed and/or lucky enough to lead a great life. Even the bumps aren’t as bumpy as they used to be or could be.
These past couple weeks have dealt me a higher dose of stress than normal, and I’m feeling it hardcore. I also don’t think I’m handling it well, which in turn causes me to evaluate not only every little thing I say or do, but it causes me to dwell on everything everyone else says. It’s strange to have a constant paranoia of “What did they mean by that?” Normally, I let those things slide off, but it’s hard to do when I feel like I’m not doing things as well as I want.
Most of this stems from work. We’re at the end of the year, and this year is bringing the transition I’d talked about in a previous post. While I’m still excited about making this transition, the training and the new duties have thrown a wrench in my routine, so I’m struggling to maintain my current duties while still proving I can do the new ones. When I first started this changeover, I felt unstoppable. But each day seems to chip away at that positivity. I know I’ll eventually embrace this job and find my groove, even with a high workload, but until that happens, I’m having a hard time dealing with all the feelings of being incompetent and of letting people down.
But it’s not just work, it’s things outside of work, too. For one, I’m not a holiday person. I’ve definitely tried not to be a humbug this year, and in some ways, I’ve succeeded. I went and enjoyed the heck out of myself at our work holiday party. I wrote a fun holiday mad lib for my mom to share at her work party. This weekend, I plan on going to see the town’s light displays and maybe stop for a hot chocolate treat somewhere. But everyone else is sending Christmas cards and buying gifts…and I’m not. I never do, not really. I don’t know why…maybe I’m selfish, maybe I’m lazy, but I’ve just never been a big gift giver or card sender. It’s never bothered me before, either. But this year, I feel like a Christmas failure.
Now that Jon is out of school (after his last exam tomorrow), I’m apprehensive about what’s going to happen for him with regards to jobs. I’m also losing interest in things I usually enjoy, and I’m considering dropping some of my regular social engagements because my heart isn’t in it. I know this all sounds like depression, and I’m sure that has something to do with it, but it’s not a permeating sense of not wanting to do anything. I’m still enjoying exercising, though even that’s sometimes overshadowed by my desire to do things my body is not yet ready to handle. I love visiting with my friends, I love spending time with Jon, and besides finding a book that I’m completely into right now, I’m super excited about my January reading project. Heck, I’ve actually done revision work on my novel. I’ve never gotten far with revision work.
It’s difficult to have moments during the day that are so high with frustration that I have to try really hard not to cry. I usually fail at this, by the way. Even when these are followed by a moment of satisfaction when I realize I’ve figured out something new, or solved a problem, it’s still kind of a crazy roller coaster, and it’s making me tired.
Having put all that out there, I do want to say that I know this is all going to blow over, and I’ll eventually have control over things again. All these dramatic moments are really just that…moments. In the scheme of things, I know that in six months, all of this will have been forgotten in lieu of another drama, another stressor, and other good and happy things that happen. Until then, I’m going to roll with it as best I can. I apologize now to anyone I may “let down” over the next few weeks. I swear, I’m not doing it on purpose. And even though I’m a humbuggy Christmas fail, I’m going to do enjoy each day of the season and beyond as best I can.
Thanks for listening.