Anxiety and Gaming Triggers

I suppose it’s time to talk about those hateful things known as depression and anxiety. I want to write about something that’s happened recently, partially because I’m hoping writing about it will help me figure it out and wrap my mind around it and maybe find a solution at some point, but I also want to reinforce my belief that these things shouldn’t be hidden, and that talk about mental illness shouldn’t be avoided because there’s a stigma to it. Seriously, why is there a stigma? More people than not have some form of it. It doesn’t mean they’re broken, it means their chemicals went a little wonky at some point.

I could go on for pages about that whole thing, but I’ll stick to my current situation for now.

My husband and I, being the fabulous nerds we are, decided to try LARPing. Manhattan has a great group of people who I’d gotten to know through TengaiCon, and they sold us on giving it a try. So I drew up a character and tried to figure things out.

At first, I was just really shy. I didn’t know the mechanics of the game, and it’s never been easy for me to be anyone else. I thought it would get better for me and that I would eventually feel comfortable. I even had a couple really good nights where I felt outgoing and comfortable and in character.

Everyone is great and patient, but I realized quickly that LARPing was triggering my anxiety and triggering it hard. Even on nights when I started out feeling good, something would happen, and it wouldn’t even be something major. It would just be a shift for me, and watching everyone else having a good time while I spiraled made it worse.

Normally, I would just say “This isn’t for me” and take a step back. But in this case, quitting brings another bout of anxiety with it. It means not getting to spend time with good people I wouldn’t see otherwise. It means feeling like I’m letting people down. And strangely, it also feels like I’m giving up on a couple characters who had potential. While most people wouldn’t think twice about it, to me, it feels like unfinished business.

I’m currently thinking of coping techniques I can use because I do think it’ll get better. I went through something like this when I started playing tabletop RPGs. A lot of it is hating the feeling of not knowing what I’m doing. Some of it is being intimidated by people who are awesome. There’s also an element of being a little overwhelmed by different people and different characters.

There’s also a need, when LARPing, to separate the reality from the game. No, I’m not going to rage at work and turn into a werewolf. But I have found myself irritated or angry or hurt by something a character did and it’s carried over into my feelings toward a player.

I’m not sure if I’m ready to give up yet, because there are some really fun points. Right now, I’m going to take a short break and then just take it one game at a time. The main thing I’m making myself remember, though, is that just because I’m having these issues, I’m still an awesome person. I don’t say that enough out loud, but having anxiety doesn’t mean I’m broken. It just means I have a thing I need to handle.

A.

Waiting for Good News and Making Good Things Happen

Part of the reason I’ve put off writing for the past few days is that I was hoping to have some good news to share. Jon had a really positive interview last week, and we were hoping to hear that he got the position by early this week. Unfortunately, he hasn’t heard anything yet. So we’re still in limbo, and I’m a ball of anxiety waiting to find out if we can finally breathe a sigh of relief or if we have to hold it for a little while longer.

I was thinking about it at the gym, and my daily blog post, even when it was super boring and nothing more than “I didn’t do anything” or “No time to write, stay tuned for tomorrow” helped keep me grounded. It was routine and it was an accomplishment. Since I’ve started blogging sporadically, other than the Influenster product reviews and the book reviews, I kind of feel scattered again.

I’m sure there are other reasons for feeling scattered: new position at work, aforementioned unsureness of the future, the changing of the seasons. But right now, I’m trying to find things that will help me get back to feeling “right”. Maybe my daily blog, even if it has no rhyme or reason, and even if it’s boring, is what I need to aim for.

So we’ll see how that goes.

Let’s see what I can update on right now…

I’ve been pretty good about exercising regularly, though I’ve been bad about walking on breaks and getting to my step goal. I decided to do more 5k training, but I’m setting my own rules and guidelines since I was having a hard time getting into the C25K trainer.  Gen Con is only five months away, and Jon and I want to do the Orc Stomp 5k, so I really need to start building endurance and maybe some speed. Last Saturday we walked the distance of a 5k at the walking track (a little more, actually, because of the way it’s laid out). I paced myself and didn’t have too much trouble. I also finished it in an hour and a half…slow, but I thought it was going to take me two hours, so faster than I thought.

Speaking of 5ks, I also want to sign up for the Glow Run in KC, but I have to wait until we know if we’re staying or going. I’ll obviously walk it, so I have to check and make sure they either don’t have a time limit or they have a long time limit.

Speaking of running, I’m still doing a little bit of it…and I’m getting better! When I do walk/run sets, I can run for about two minutes on my first run. I think I could do more on my second set if I wasn’t having a problem with ankle tightness and cramps. I think we’re going to go to the local running shop soon and get fitted for good shoes. It would be cool to run a little bit at either the Glow Run or the Orc Stomp.

Speaking of Gen Con, we’re officially going because we volunteered to work part time for AEG.  This means less time for scheduling events, but it means more gaming swag and the chance to hang with some cool people. We volunteered for Big Game Night last year and loved it, so we’re hoping this experience is just as fun. I think it will be.

I’m glad spring and summer are getting closer so I can spend more time outside. I haven’t gotten comfortable doing any sort of running on the treadmill, though I think at some point, I may have to stop being so scared and just do it.

Maybe after I figure out that ankle problem.

Off for a Twitter chat, a shower, some reading, and some sleep.  If you think about it, send good vibes our way. It would be nice to hear about a job for Jon so we can start planning for the rest of 2014.

Anxiety and Accomplishments

I’ve talked about dealing with depression and how this winter has been rough on the psyche. Recently, I’ve started experiencing anxiety again. Yesterday, I woke up feeling sick, so I took a sick day from work. Instead of my body resting and using the time to heal, it went into full on panic attack mode thinking of all the things I needed to get done that weren’t getting done.

I finally simmered down and talked myself off the anxiety ledge, but I’m considering seeing a counselor until things settle down and even getting back on some medication.  I’ve avoided medication due to the side effects I had when I took Zoloft a few years ago, and I’ve been lucky enough to stave off most depression and anxiety with regular exercise. But if things continue as they are, I’m going to have to go back on something, at least temporarily Side note: the side effects of Zoloft aren’t something I think everyone gets, and I had other health issues at the time.  I’m a huge advocate for doing what you have to do to stay as mentally healthy as possible…within legal limits of course.

I’m likely to try some talk therapy first. Besides seasonal depression, I also suffer from situation depression, and right now, there are a lot of situations that are weighing on me, the main one being Jon’s work status and not having a full income. Then there’s my own job and the reorganization that is testing me in many ways, not to mention the staffing changes and friends moving away. Being in limbo about where we’re going and what we’re doing is starting to chip away at my optimism. I can’t plan for things, can’t buy tickets to future events, can’t do much of anything, not only because of the tightened budget, but also because we don’t even know if we’re going to be geographically located to be able to go to these events.

It’s all kind of hitting at once, and I’m hoping that maybe venting to an uninvolved third party might help.

Between the sickness and the anxiety, I spent most of yesterday trying to accomplish small things and sleeping. I probably slept too much, but I did wake up this morning feeling much better, so I guess it helped.

Today was a busy one. We were up early to drive to Fort Riley to help some fellow geocachers move to a new house. I overestimated my physical capabilities and my recovery from yesterday’s illness. After a few trips up the stairs, I thought I was going to throw up or pass out. I was still able to help by picking up trash and moving small things, but I felt kind of useless for the most part. Jon did a ton of work, going up and down the stairs and moving heavy stuff.  Still, when it comes to moving, I know every little bit helps, so even though I feel bad…I also still feel like I contributed. If that makes sense.

Also, with as tired and sick as I got, I still did way more than I could do when we moved into our apartment, so the opportunity to once again see how far I’ve come was good. And even though we were tired and sore afterwards, I’m not completely out of commission. It was also a chance to pay forward some of the good things that have come our way, which was one of the things I wanted to aim for in 2014.

We had to leave after a few hours to head back to Wamego to get our car fixed. One of our friends is mechanically inclined and was able to help fix the crunchy sounds our steering system has been making (not giving him name credit ONLY because I’m not sure if he wants the world to know about his mad skills with automotives).  It was nice to drive and not have the car sound like it was going to implode at every turn. Awesome friends are another reason we’re trying to pay things forward and back…even when I’m super down and life seems difficult, I realize how truly lucky/blessed/fortunate we are to have such great people in our life (yeah…getting sappy for a moment…just roll with it).

I finished the third Iron Druid book while the car was being worked on, and after we got home I finished the first week’s videos, assignment, and quiz for my current Coursera class. No clue what tomorrow will bring. I don’t think it’s been one hundred percent decided if gaming is happening. I do know that with the car being fixed, Jon and I would like to go out and get some geocaches and enjoy the day. It’s supposed to be another warm Sunday, and I want to soak up some natural Vitamin D before starting the week again.

Off for some more reading and more sleep.

A.