I’ve talked about dealing with depression and how this winter has been rough on the psyche. Recently, I’ve started experiencing anxiety again. Yesterday, I woke up feeling sick, so I took a sick day from work. Instead of my body resting and using the time to heal, it went into full on panic attack mode thinking of all the things I needed to get done that weren’t getting done.
I finally simmered down and talked myself off the anxiety ledge, but I’m considering seeing a counselor until things settle down and even getting back on some medication. I’ve avoided medication due to the side effects I had when I took Zoloft a few years ago, and I’ve been lucky enough to stave off most depression and anxiety with regular exercise. But if things continue as they are, I’m going to have to go back on something, at least temporarily Side note: the side effects of Zoloft aren’t something I think everyone gets, and I had other health issues at the time. I’m a huge advocate for doing what you have to do to stay as mentally healthy as possible…within legal limits of course.
I’m likely to try some talk therapy first. Besides seasonal depression, I also suffer from situation depression, and right now, there are a lot of situations that are weighing on me, the main one being Jon’s work status and not having a full income. Then there’s my own job and the reorganization that is testing me in many ways, not to mention the staffing changes and friends moving away. Being in limbo about where we’re going and what we’re doing is starting to chip away at my optimism. I can’t plan for things, can’t buy tickets to future events, can’t do much of anything, not only because of the tightened budget, but also because we don’t even know if we’re going to be geographically located to be able to go to these events.
It’s all kind of hitting at once, and I’m hoping that maybe venting to an uninvolved third party might help.
Between the sickness and the anxiety, I spent most of yesterday trying to accomplish small things and sleeping. I probably slept too much, but I did wake up this morning feeling much better, so I guess it helped.
Today was a busy one. We were up early to drive to Fort Riley to help some fellow geocachers move to a new house. I overestimated my physical capabilities and my recovery from yesterday’s illness. After a few trips up the stairs, I thought I was going to throw up or pass out. I was still able to help by picking up trash and moving small things, but I felt kind of useless for the most part. Jon did a ton of work, going up and down the stairs and moving heavy stuff. Still, when it comes to moving, I know every little bit helps, so even though I feel bad…I also still feel like I contributed. If that makes sense.
Also, with as tired and sick as I got, I still did way more than I could do when we moved into our apartment, so the opportunity to once again see how far I’ve come was good. And even though we were tired and sore afterwards, I’m not completely out of commission. It was also a chance to pay forward some of the good things that have come our way, which was one of the things I wanted to aim for in 2014.
We had to leave after a few hours to head back to Wamego to get our car fixed. One of our friends is mechanically inclined and was able to help fix the crunchy sounds our steering system has been making (not giving him name credit ONLY because I’m not sure if he wants the world to know about his mad skills with automotives). It was nice to drive and not have the car sound like it was going to implode at every turn. Awesome friends are another reason we’re trying to pay things forward and back…even when I’m super down and life seems difficult, I realize how truly lucky/blessed/fortunate we are to have such great people in our life (yeah…getting sappy for a moment…just roll with it).
I finished the third Iron Druid book while the car was being worked on, and after we got home I finished the first week’s videos, assignment, and quiz for my current Coursera class. No clue what tomorrow will bring. I don’t think it’s been one hundred percent decided if gaming is happening. I do know that with the car being fixed, Jon and I would like to go out and get some geocaches and enjoy the day. It’s supposed to be another warm Sunday, and I want to soak up some natural Vitamin D before starting the week again.
Off for some more reading and more sleep.