I could go on for pages about that whole thing, but I’ll stick to my current situation for now.
At first, I was just really shy. I didn’t know the mechanics of the game, and it’s never been easy for me to be anyone else. I thought it would get better for me and that I would eventually feel comfortable. I even had a couple really good nights where I felt outgoing and comfortable and in character.
Normally, I would just say “This isn’t for me” and take a step back. But in this case, quitting brings another bout of anxiety with it. It means not getting to spend time with good people I wouldn’t see otherwise. It means feeling like I’m letting people down. And strangely, it also feels like I’m giving up on a couple characters who had potential. While most people wouldn’t think twice about it, to me, it feels like unfinished business.
I’m currently thinking of coping techniques I can use because I do think it’ll get better. I went through something like this when I started playing tabletop RPGs. A lot of it is hating the feeling of not knowing what I’m doing. Some of it is being intimidated by people who are awesome. There’s also an element of being a little overwhelmed by different people and different characters.
There’s also a need, when LARPing, to separate the reality from the game. No, I’m not going to rage at work and turn into a werewolf. But I have found myself irritated or angry or hurt by something a character did and it’s carried over into my feelings toward a player.
I’m not sure if I’m ready to give up yet, because there are some really fun points. Right now, I’m going to take a short break and then just take it one game at a time. The main thing I’m making myself remember, though, is that just because I’m having these issues, I’m still an awesome person. I don’t say that enough out loud, but having anxiety doesn’t mean I’m broken. It just means I have a thing I need to handle.